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October 1, 2009

I love October – the feel of it, the look of it. The weather finally cools down, which is a blessing. We will still have some days in the ’80’s this month, maybe even a few in the ’90’s, but it is definitely getting cooler. And Halloween night is always chilly, which is appropriate.

It is a peaceful time – the days are getting shorter, and the light changes. It is more peaceful at the wildlife center – fewer animals to take care of.

It also can be an exciting time – things to do. This semester, I enrolled in a theater workshop class, and have signed on to be part of the production crew for our presentation of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”  I love that story – read the book, see the movie, and if there is a theater production of it, that is likely going to be very much worth attending. Tech rehearsals at the college I go to begin next week, and the first show is just under two week after that. I will be busy most evenings. I don’t know what they will have me doing, since I haven’t worked backstage before.

I haven’t been to a Halloween party in years.. been living a fairly reclusive life. I don’t know if I will be going to a party this Halloween. The second to the last show is on Halloween night. I don’t know if I want to be invited to a party. I don’t drink or smoke, and tend to be shy, but in the past, Halloween parties have been great for meeting and enjoying women. Hmmm..

Each October I wish I were pagan. I would like to celebrate Samhain. It is the most important pagan holiday.

I’ve read about paganism, listened to a rather good audiobook by Starhawk, perhaps the most popular Wiccan writer, read about various forms of paganism online. I’ve also talked with a few practicing witches and other pagans.

I’ve decided I’m not a pagan. Paganism almost always involves the belief in various deities, or at least one deity, especially the Goddess. I have had such an awful time trying to believe in a Christian god, that it has been hard for me to believe in any god or goddess. I don’t like the notion of some supreme being looking over my shoulder, or needing to be worshiped and appeased. The same questions still arise, such as why is there suffering if there is a God or Gods? I can’t accomadate a belief of any deity in my head, regardless if that deity be Christian or Pagan. It just doesn’t work for me.

Talking with two witches I met some months back felt strangely similar to talking with Christians in the past. Both the witches and christians  have reported religious experiences – feeling in communication, or should I say communion with, and interacting with their deity.  The witches talked about being filled with the presence of whatever goddess it was they were worshiping, the christians felt filled with the holy spirit.

I don’t have, and never have had experiences like that. Many years ago, when I was still a Christian, on 2 or 3 occasions, the wind came up and blew in the trees while I was praying, but that is it. Otherwise, no spiritual experiences, even during charismatic Christian prayer sessions in which others were slain in the spirit and falling over and speaking in tongues and all that. I felt ignored by God.

I don’t want to try to believe in a pagan deity either. I just can’t do it without psychological stress. And, some pagans are very creepy people who are into various lifestyles and other things that I consider deviant or repulsive. I am also not comfortable with some of their spiritual practices, such as conjuring up spirits.  These are people I don’t relate to. Some pagans I’ve met I’ve felt comfortable being around though – nice enough people, I just don’t like the bad element paganism attracks.

Since I don’t feel comfortable being in the average group of pagans, and do not believe in any deities,  I do not celebrate Samhain. Still, every October, I wish I were a pagan.

But, pagan or not, I am very glad this is the first day of October.

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