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late night thoughts of a tired man happily slowly heading toward sleep

April 13, 2010

a strange kind of feeling, or several feelings rather as my brain is multi-tasking and i’m not just talking about the autonomic nervous system but thoughts and feelings several layers at once hard to concentrate feelings and impressions when playing an instrument or writing or wondering not sure what brain does while sleeping besides dream though.

this fatigue is not unpleasant groggy but not in the true sense of the word i have not had anything alcoholic to drink tonight and yet feel the ship listing.. even though i am not on a ship.

slightly to starboard perhaps and wondering why the right half of my body is more functional than my left half and i don’t just mean being right-handed. muscles more difficult to flex actually requiring concentration and not requiring but still dealing with frustration when trying to flex left pectoral muscle for example.

not just feeling on a ship actually that is mainly not the symptom of fatigue i am having tonight, although in past times felt as though i had just been walking on land a very short while after a very long journey aboard an ocean going vessel.

tonight though, feeling as though i lived at least one story up. which is not the case. i live on the ground floor of a one story house nothing below the floorboards except a crawl space, which is a little creepy due to old horror movies strange that empty space

sometimes i speculate ghosts are fairly solitary creatures and take no interest in haunting but prefer the quiet empty spaces like the crawlspace right below or vacant lots on cloudy days when rain threatens but often does not appear. we get lots of days like that out here.

maybe the ghosts wander around when we are asleep, and one reason i stay up late is to keep watch, perhaps they are more idle by 4 in the morning

saw a movie called the exorcism of emily rose several years ago, not bad, and for whatever reason three am was determined to be the devil’s hour, when the demon inside emily rose would start to really act up.

i like 3 am though, it is peaceful, means hey time to start winding down.. but do feel strange about going to bed before 3 am, like i need to keep my eyes open until at least a few minutes into that hour. 1:38 am now and not sure if i shall be awake at 3 am but most likely.

i don’t know if there are spirits ghosts and the lot, really, maybe there are maybe not and if so i figure they just go about their business and i go about mine. not so foolish as to attempt to contact them but we are on different planes of reality perhaps though inhabiting similar living space? i don’t mean inside me, i don’t go in for that possession stuff i take the phrase battling one’s demons metaphorically it’s psychological and the “demons” are creations of our own minds, good article on this from a magazine called tricycle a buddhist magazine issue from maybe 6 months ago? not sure, purple colored closeup of the buddha’s face on that one.

let your demon talk to you it says, after making the case that the demon in question is really part of the mind that is rebelling resisting and stirring up negative emotions and thoughts parts of us it seems we are not facing up to and not admitting, getting to know this part of ourselves makes our minds more whole so the article says , i tried the technique, helped a little but mental health still difficult and therefore perhaps not effective technique for this date in time.

went through the day somewhat tired and in a serious frame of mind, but wrapping myself in the cloak of coolness, or rather it is a part of me and not an act, i really am cool and other people in public or in private react that way to me i don’t say much it is hard to explain not exactly putting out the vibe, but just more like being still. and some women find me handsome, and some dudes just respect me,

sat next to a guy in class today rare- don’t tend to do that, preferring company of women, actually he sat down next to me, hyper-active teenager with profane speech but seems to have a good heart and recommended some potentially excellent groups, even had me listen to one of these groups on his ipod, said group being called the dodos, out of san francisco and yes i was impressed. also mentioned another group called beiruit which i am probably misspelling but if you know anything about geography you will know that the city of beirut is in lebanon and no i don’t feel like using capital letters can’t you tell.

said beirut is featuring young arizonan guy from phx. who went to france perhaps or even romania spent time with gypsies learned all these ethnic rhythms quite likely almost entirely unheard and unheard of in the usa, but then there is a pocket of civilization of this great as in large not necessarily great as in great although in a myriad it is country.

will check out those groups tmw. perhaps on emusic a cheap download subscription service dude next to me in class gets his music pirated but i won’t do that, a worthy song is worth paying for and i am supporting the arts this way

also supported the arts by going to symphonic band concert many recitals and concerts at the jr. college these evenings as semester is winding down and may first is last day of class but i hope to be finished before then, wrapping up tutoring class this week and guitar before may i hope.

but the symphonic concert was pretty good, concert band from the town’s newest high school on first, and rather mature looking and very very sexy highschool girls up on stage could not help but stare some of the time but no worries since i was many rows back

jr. college band came on after and another gorgeous young woman, playing flute. one woman, a rather dark skinned filipino, she looks more cambodian than philipino, her i know from class guitar class i mean, she came over just after class, walked over to say hi to me we talked briefly, she a little bit cute, pleasant voice though often self absorbed but friendly at least.

also today, cooked mashed potatoes and ate meat loaf, actually ate far too much meat today sometimes conscience bothers me and feel bad for poor animals in horrible conditions and then them getting killed so i can eat them seems i felt their pain somewhat today does anyone feel pain after eating meat? something to do with lactic acid or other scientific chemical properties and reasons or less likely the pain or their executions carried on in the parts of their bodies i keep in  my fridge to later microwave, irradiating my food altering the molecules and rendering what i will consume to be less identifiable by the body as.. food.

managed to regulate pressure in my head lately strange sinus pressure not just allergies but tied to anxiety of course and do we have sinus portals near our ears? that is where the pressure built up but i tried mightily to regulate my thoughts today and therefore regulate pressure and keep headache pains around ears inside of head to minimum, still some tinnitus though,

but i still played the whistle anyway freeman tweaked b flat whistle very reedy sound but very nice overall and fairly quiet, lower than my high d and higher than my low d so a good comfortable whistle to play and tinnitus did not get worse but is worse now

not near as  much angst tonight though, still feeling tired, it creeped in terribly past couple nights though, but not tonight will stop writing soon

pain in neck tightness and choosing not to worry much about things like guitar and careers, might take career tests in career center on a computer there having to spend 18 dollars for the 2 tests one is myers briggs personality test another is strong interest test but mostly,

i think it best not to worry about careers but work on being quiet inside myself peaceful yesterday was tired most of the day did almost nothing well i mean day before yesterday if going by calendar and it felt good

today as mentioned guitar class cooked food cleaned up kitchen somewhat went to concert at school while at concert made cool drawing in little hardback sketch book using calligraphy pen, works surprisingly well drawing getting better but need much more work time and imagination and drawing from different perspectives came home played whistle read a bit of call of the  wild and a bit more of a book called stoner by john williams a book i read about briefly in a time magazine article featuring tom hanks and this was on his top five book list and i’ve on rare occasions wondered about the life of a professor at a university, and this is what stoner is about, not about a guy who gets high, a simple book i suppose some might find boring but well written as tom hanks said it would be so will continue with that some later

taking a much needed break from buddhism and other obsessions today and yesterday and much needed indeed. head clear of somethings at least but wish lust would go away as have almost no hope of being fulfilled that way anytime soon if at all? hope really does hurt sometimes and other priorities anyway so not worrying about it working on not worrying about anything.

a little awhile ago shut off dvd player was rewatching slow but good movie called finding forrester a book about 2 guys writing and a movie worth watching as i am interested in authors even if they be fictional characters in movies and the writing process. for a much more profane film on and about writers may i suggest wonderboys, but with a word of caution, is somewhat offensive and i didn’t need that tonight so a much more gentle movie before turning off the machine, checking emails and so forth and writing this and soon sleep.

oh well then might as well wrap this up here as i hear the late night sound of train horns in the distance a good sound in this town train track down by the freeway just over a mile away perhaps a good feeling to be had at night hearing those sounds and also good to not have heard any sirens in quite some time.

will go put dishes in kitchen, turn on small but fairly effective space heater being its a cold april so far today in the ’50’s i’m guessing which is surprising but told myself to appreciate the colder weather and nice clouds because once summer hits it is nothing but sunshine and clear skies and heat! and days being rather rather mundane weather-wise, unlike in the midwest and other places in this country in which summer storms happen, not so here.

so good night from the central valley and this particular town i would not mind moving from and dreaming a little of idaho especially the northern part of that state, but also calm here in the feeling that my time here will not be that long, and the night is peaceful so why not go to bed soon now and enjoy the rest.

goodnight to you i feel i haven’t expressed everything but got the important parts down who cares about the rest and so yes,

good night.

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