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September 21 – Birthday Thoughts.

September 22, 2010

Today is my birthday. I’d rather not look back too much into previous birthdays, but I really want to say that this birthday has been so much better than most others.

Most birthdays, especially as an adult, I felt I just got older. I felt I hadn’t made any positive changes in the previous year, and I was still pretty much miserable.

Today, I still deal with some depression and anxiety, these things have not gone away, and most of this month, like most months before it in my life, has been rather difficult.

However..

Yesterday, I felt lousy for awhile, but took my anti-anxiety medication in the early evening, and although it usually only works when I take it late at night to get to sleep, this time it worked and continued to work while I was still awake.

I did my tutoring session with less stress. I felt more relaxed. I felt better as the night went on.

My anti-anxiety medication was not the only reason I felt better.

The library was less crowded and much more quiet than on most Monday nights and that helped. Also, I have found some very good books lately which give me comfort and are or should I say will be of great help.

I got several owl books from the library within the past week and a half, and have been studying them, because our bi-annual fundraiser at the wildlife center was this past Saturday, and I wanted to be prepared for questions while I was holding an owl (one at a time of course – I held a Barn Owl, a Burrowing Owl, and a Great Horn). Turns out I didn’t get asked many questions at all, but still found reading about the owls to be worthwhile and good. I have especially appreciated the pictures – particularly in a boo called “Owls, Their Life and Behavior,” by Art Wolfe and Julio De La Torre. I plan on ordering this book soon.

What I think has been most helpful last night that I felt good about was peace about spirituality.

I have been looking into Paganism, and having a VERY helpful online email conversation with a pagan woman who lives in a beautiful mountain town an hour’s drive from here. Also, I’ve just been thinking, and more importantly feeling, pagan. I have been able to appreciate Nature more. The Earth, the trees, the wind, the animals, the sky.

And, have realized things about myself that were there already, visible, yet I had not recognized them for what they were.

I have a very large tapestry on the wall my bed is against. It is a Celtic tapestry – a green Celtic knot. This is a pagan nature symbol.

I have 2 identical Celtic knot auto emblems on my car. These are pagan symbols. I also have 2 yin and yang auto emblems on my car.

I can be both East and West in my spirituality.

I have been putting the East mostly aside. Enough with Buddhism, I don’t need to learn anymore, don’t want to. I will keep the Noble 8 Fold Path in mind, what I remember of it, and sometimes think in vaguely Buddhist ways, and that’s pretty much it.

I am turning West.

I plan on getting introductory materials from the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids. (Not sure if I spelled “Ovates” properly). I also plan on buying a book called “Positive Magic,” by Marion Weinstein. It covers a lot of info that I might not incorporate into a spiritual practice, but it seems like it will be an excellent pagan primer.

I will be gradual about this. That is my intention. What an idea – having an intention, actually using my will!! That is a very new concept for me too!

So tonight, I have peace about this. I am stressing about money and what books to buy when, and still have money for the Halloween Faire up in that mountain town I mentioned earlier – it’s a huge event. I’ll need money for admission, gas, food, souvenirs. So I am not totally at peace, but mostly so.

I have pagan materials to gradually read and listen to now. I have a book by Starhawk called “The Earth Path,” which I got from the library. I’ll disregard some of the wiccan stuff. There is much other info in the book I think will be helpful.

I bought the most recent issue of “Pagans and Witches” magazine (or is it “Witches and Pagans?”) last week at Borders Books.

There are many Pagan podcasts to listen to for free on iTunes. I have selected the OBOD (the Druid order I mentioned) podcasts to listen to.. eventually.

I am peaceful about this pagan direction.

I am also feeling MUCH more at peace about doing productive things. Once I finish this blog and write a message or two on facebook, I am going to shut down the computer and get my Spanish materials out and organized. I am going to try and make a go of it. I feel, lately, that I have gotten passed my angry biases against many Mexicans, and think more positively and practically about learning Spanish. It’s about a language as a tool – good for the mind, and the wallet as well.

I plan on starting up my old computer and learning more math with teaching software (although I won’t be doing that tonight). I will draw more – a little at a time.

I will use my computer in more productive ways. Amazingly, I found a totally legal, free download of a most excellent graphic arts software called Bryce 7. I used Bryce 5 several years ago, and even though I was not very familiar with the software, I created some fantastic images. I look forward to working much more with this software. I also found a free and legal download for the 3D figure drawing software made by the same company (called DAZ). I installed these.. hmmm… late last night, was it?

Last night.. was up later than planned but felt excited about this new software, and feeling peace about paganism and Nature and being more productive. And also happy to receive such great emails from people.

Today, I got over 15 happy birthday wishes! Most from people I know at least a little. These are almost all from people I didn’t know last year at this time. This makes me feel good!

It’s strange though, even though most of these people are local, I don’t as yet know any of them well enough to call them up and just say, “hey, let’s go out for a beer, ya wanna?” But still, it is good to know people. I’ve been to several good social events this month. Really good people to hang with.

So today.. well, it is 11:55 pm now, so today is almost tomorrow, but anyway…

I decided late last night to call into the wildlife center saying I would not be coming in. Mom wanted me to unload more stuff at a thrift store, and I knew that would take some time. I wanted time to figure out which pagan books to get, and whether I should go to Borders Books today to look at some. I also just wanted time to rest, to take it easy, sleep in, not do much.

I did bring a good load of stuff to the thrift store, with help from my aunt. Mom has been going through books and other possessions for weeks now, getting rid of things and slowly preparing the duplex (at least our side of it – the other side is more my aunt’s responsibility) for being put on the market. I have parted from many things too. I will still be taking a lot with me if/when we move – mostly books, but have donated some things.

I did spend a lot of time checking out books online, and decided not to go to Borders. I picked out some books that I intend to buy. One of them is called “You Majored in What?” (Wonderful title!) that uses chaos theory and some other rather unorthodox methods to help people pick and plan out their non-linear career paths. I told my aunt about this book, and she has asked me to order her a copy as well.

I spent other time online communicating via facebook messages. Nice thing to do.

I spent a lot of time online on a site called Yelp! which is for restaurant (and maybe other business) reviews. I didn’t want to go to the same chain restaurant that I’d gone to the previous 2 years. I wanted a smaller, classier, independent place, and I found one here in town! A lovely Italian restaurant with mostly decent prices, great ambience and excellent food!

It took me a loooong time to decide, but I certainly made the right choice!

I went with mom, dad, and my aunt. Afterward, came home, and spent too much time on Amazon.com, still sorting out which books to get and figuring out my budget. But oh well.. I’m heading toward the right decisions, I think, so time not wasted.

I have come to the conclusion that doing even a little bit of good in a day is a great thing, and that I shouldn’t be at all hard on myself about not getting more done.

I have felt more peace about other issues. I don’t worry about politics and don’t need to watch news everyday. I don’t care what the Democrats or Republicans do to each other. I am neither.

I am not worried about the gay issue lately. Let them be them. Why should I think about them? Why should I worry if they are eventually allowed to marry in this state, or that “don’t ask don’t tell is repealed?”

I remember a classic moment in one of the best films from the ’80’s – “Crocodile Dundee,” in which the hot female reporter what Mick Dundee thinks about this issue and that issue, and he thinks for a bit, and says, “Well, it’s none of my business.” I like that attitude. Living a simple life, being kind to people and one’s self, having things figured out, living a peaceful life and not meddling in the lives of others. All these issues – not my problem or my business. I have no need to fixate on them or worry about them.

And is gay marriage really such a serious issue? I think not. There are two wars going on, there is the environment, the “drug war,” the economy.. much more serious concerns. I’m not going to sweat things that don’t matter to me. And I’m not even going to sweat these larger issues much – just do what I can do. Be kind, interact with pleasant people, tend my garden, so to speak. Live peacefully and quietly.

So yeah, last evening and night I felt really good, which was soooo needed. I had a good enough birthday today. I even found 2 shirts for 3 bucks at the thrift store, as well as a good movie on VHS for a buck 50, so that’s something.

I helped make the world better by donating thins – many of which people will actually quite likely buy, and this will benefit the charity which runs the thrift shop.

I had a truly excellent dinner. I got many birthday wishes and nice messages. I feel sensible and peaceful about slowly going on the pagan path, one I’m already on anyway. I am happy about things.

I will get more done, just do it slowly. I will slowly figure things out with the help of books and people.

I am actually quietly (and right now sleepily) optimistic.

So yeah… pretty good birthday.

And one final note. I share the same birthday as Bill Murray – one of my all-time favorite actors. He’s even somewhat of a hero to me. He turned 60 – happy birthday Bill Murray! Stephen King has the same birthday too, but I don’t give a shit about him. H.G. Wells was also born on September 21st, a long time ago (I don’t remember when he died) – that’s a good person from recent history to share a birthday with – and Ethan Coen (one of the Coen brothers) and Liam Gallagher from the band Oasis (I was never much of a fan, but anyway) has the exact same birthdate as I do. That’s interesting. And country singer Faith Hill was born on Sept. 21st, too. I’m in pretty good company.

Another final note..I’m a Virgo. I don’t know much at all about all that astrology stuff, and don’t believe in some of what I know, but the Virgo personality profile is in many ways accurate, hmmm… I’ll read more about that stuff later..

Right then..

Ok, it’s now 12:19 am on September 22. I will go to sleep within two hours, eventually wake up, and head to my grandma’s house to do yardwork, for which I will be paid, and then in the evening tutor my excellent student, for which I will not be paid, but that’s ok. Time well spent.

I do ramble… hey I’m tired.

Point being.. I am really grateful for many things and hope I will quietly and peacefully and gently make my life anew, learn more, earn more and be happier and a more complete person.

I better stop here. Some things I just can’t entirely put into words, no matter how I try, so yes..

Good birthday.

Good night!

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