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September 30, 2010

Oh great! So, I go through all these emotions, excitement, some trepidation, curiosity, and prepare to meet this witch. I even wrote up a posting here on wordpress so that I could come up with a list of questions for her.

And she doesn’t show up! Can’t say I’m that surprised. This is the second pagan person in a few days who at first gave me hopeful signs and then dissed me. Great!

When I got home, I found an email that arrived shortly after I’d left – by the way, I was to meet her in another city that takes at least a half hour to get to, sometimes longer, in traffic that is pretty much always heavy in the afternoon, in a fuel-inefficient car, and, driving makes me terribly stressed out! But I went anyway!

So I get back home and read this email, and going by her grammar and syntax, as best I can understand her email, she was under the impression that we were meeting tomorrow, even though it was HER idea to meet today!

Here is what she wrote : “I am very sorry that I can not meet with you at 4:00 tomorrow, 7:00 would work better for me.”

To which I responded : “We were planning on meeting today, not tomorrow. In a previous email, you said Thursday. And, I did not get your email until after I left. I am not driving back out there tomorrow. Driving stresses me out quite a bit. I wish you had been there today at 4.”

Pagans often have a reputation for being flaky people. The reputation is only partly deserved. Some pagans I’ve met in years past HAVE been really flaky, nonsensical, probably insane, and generally unreliable. However, I have met others who were very grounded spiritual people who I felt very good about. Where the cool pagan people I met out here are now, I do not know.

The witch I was hoping to talk with today I met many months ago. She seemed sane, not flaky. Apparently though, she either cannot keep track of what day it is, or does not know how to use the English language very well in her emails. I don’t know. It’s possible I am being too harsh. Maybe some heavy stuff is happening in her life right now, and that is why she is forgetful. That’s possible. It’s hard not to be pissed off, though.

Do I bother with this woman at all? There is a group meeting scheduled for mid-October, which I may or may not go to. That group is holding a harvest party as well, next month. On the 8th! Having a dress up halloween-type party so early in the month??? No wonder only 4 people have signed up so far! I don’t know about you, but I think I, and most folks, want to go to Halloween costume parties within the week or so that Halloween actually occurs, not on the 8th of October.

Also, the theme is “Vampire’s Dream.” I really hate trendy things. In the past, I have enjoyed a vampire story or movie on rare occasions. I’ve gotten sick to death of being inundated with vampire-related material lately. I’m not into the “Twilight” series, I do not watch “True Blood,” I have not read the Anne Rice vampire books from back in the ’80’s and ’90’s, I haven’t read the books True Blood is based on, I haven’t gotten into the Laurel K. Hamilton books or the Jim Butcher books.

Ya know? Maybe I won’t fit in so well with pagans. They tend to be into all this stuff.

Another reason I might not fit in.. Pagans and otherwise spiritual people tend to have had spiritual experiences in their lives – positive experiences. I’ve not had much at all in the way of positive strange occurrences, just negative ones – you know, like people in the pagan community disrespecting me by rescinding invitations or not showing up when they say they will (do they really have spiritual/pychic powers that are telling them to avoid me, or telling them to be jerks so I’ll lose interest?) And worse stuff than that! Much worse!

Practically the only cool stuff – perhaps supernatural, perhaps not, was me not getting caught for some non-violent but still not too bright things that I did many years ago. That’s good, but I don’t know if that qualifies as supernatural.

In an earlier blog, I mentioned that while still a Christian, and at a Christian conference center up in the Santa Cruz mountains, I was praying, and twice, the wind came up and blew the trees. I had a strange sensation that some god or spirit was paying attention to me, but it wasn’t the Xtian god. Hmm.. That’s how I remember it – that it was something to do with Nature. Not Jesus. Not Jehovah – the Old Testament God who Christ is supposedly a part of – you know, the holy trinity and all that. No, this felt real – not overwhelming, but somehow real, and pagan.

Besides that, just being fortunate to see a barn owl fly closely overhead while at work, which was amazing – but supernatural? I don’t know, but I interpret seeing the barn owl and experiencing nature as spiritual. But I don’t really associate this with deities.

Maybe I just don’t have the right brain chemistry.. oh damn, I went into that already..

So what to do? Should I try again to meet this prominent witch? Should I still try to meet other pagans, or.. Quit trying to meet pagans and just read pagan literature? Trade in a pagan book I just got in the mail or re-sell it? Throw out the pagan magazine I just bought at the bookstore where I just met the witch?

Actually, there was only one copy of this magazine in the store, and it was from a few months back. I was surprised to see it there.

A few months ago, I thought I had given up on paganism, and tossed out the copy of this magazine which I already had, then I later regretted it. Was finding another copy of it in the bookstore today a really cool supernatural thing? Or, am I just being entirely stupid in prolonging the inevitable – a time when I will have to give up on this too, and accept that if karma is real, I have bad karma – that would explain a lot – if karma is real.. Or, if karma is not real.. well, maybe there is no explanation for things that I dream about (not dream about at night – I mean “dream” as in something I think about and fantasize about doing) and plan on doing and work hard to attain and nothing turns out..

Perhaps I should STOP trying to be a spiritual person, give it up as hopeless, try to survive my intense need to be spiritual – to have a fulfilling spiritual practice, and just move on to more practical things, such studying Spanish, and figuring out how to work this computer. I can pursue both spiritual and more mundane things, I have enough time in the day for both, but I have been placing the emphasis on the spiritual lately. I feel I really NEED a spiritual life.

But maybe I don’t get to have one.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. October 1, 2010 5:43 AM

    Wow, all the negative self talk people are doing these days…mind boggling.

    First of all, everyone gets to have a spiritual life, zone, feeling, whatever you wanna call it.

    Secondly, Pagan is a bit of an umbrella term, It covers everyone from Wiccans to Shamans to Celtics and Reconstructionists. There’s TONS of pahts out there, and it sounds like you’ve only had the chance to meet a very few people from a few paths. Personally I’d say keep looking around.

    People in general are like a jar of Mixed Nuts, you get all kinds in every handful. You don’t ‘need’ a spiritual experience to be a Pagan, though once you get into it you might get one or two yourself. Faith, after all, isn’t something that just happens, if you don’t feel right following one path, test out another!

    As for your pagan book and Magazine, I’d say keep them for now. Dosn’t mean you have to look at them if you don’t want to, but at least you’ll have them later. By the way, What’s the Book’s title? Who’s it by? I’m curious 😮

    Karma is something special. It’s like a reminder ‘Hey, You still have to fix this situation from way back when. Get going on it.’ Might just be completing the cutting of ties to a bad person, or trying to make ammends(sp?) to someone you’ve wronged, who knows what it could be, but ‘bad’ karma isn’t something you just have to live with.

    Also, I’d say give Shamanism a whirl, Druids and Shamans are both more heavily into Nature itself as divine.

    As for the open gathering your considering, I’d say go and check it out! What’s wrong with an Extra party oppertunity? X3 But I do agree, the whole Vampires thing has been overplayed – some people like that, some don’t, don’t mean you can’t go and enjoy though.

    As for the Witch you were supposed to meet – I’d say try once more. Perhaps a telephone convo might be better suited to both of you; see if she’s open to the idea since driving stresses you out and she seemed to be having life problems of her own, baised on the part of the email you quoted.

    I have a couple of websites you might like to check out – just let me know if I should pop them into the next comment or not, ok? Try not to be too discouraged though -The path of least resistiance won’t always have the greatest reward at the end. Sometimes you just gotta tuck into the brambles and thorns to find what you need to find. That’s how we learn, we go through the hard and difficult, and we come out that much wiser.

    • tomschronicles permalink
      October 2, 2010 12:09 AM

      How’d you get to be so bright? I am guessing you are younger than I am – maybe quite a bit younger – but in some ways, you are certainly wiser!

      Negative self-talk – I struggle with clinical depression and some issues, so unfortunately the negative self-talk comes rather easy – I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do, it’s just that it can be very tough to avoid.

      What is a Pagan Reconstructionist?

      I know I don’t need a spiritual experience to be pagan, but I want one! (I should be careful what I wish for, I suppose).

      The Wiccan book I got yesterday is the revised edition of “Positive Magic : Ancient Metaphysical Techniques for Modern Lives” by Marion Weinstein. I shopped around a little while on, looking for a good wiccan/pagan introductory book, and this is the one I picked. I have not dived into it yet – just got 3 other books in the mail- one on owls, one on fitness, and what I am hoping is a fantastic career guidebook based on Chaos Theory, called “You Majored in What?” Plus I am reading a novel called “Witches Abroad,” by Terry Pratchett, who is one of my favorite authors – the other is Neil Gaiman (and they wrote a book together! it is called “Good Omens.”)

      I like your view of karma – that it is not something we are stuck with.

      I am thinking of giving shamanism a whirl, as soon as I find a trustworthy shaman-type person. I don’t know if people select totems, or the animal selects a person or that happens at the same time, but for me, the totem would be an Owl.

      Yeah, throw in those links.

      And thanks for all these excellent comments!

  2. October 2, 2010 5:53 AM

    Wiser? Heh, That’s new. Ususally people call me ‘blunt’ for how I talk! X3

    Reconstructionists are Pagans who try to get as close to how thigns were done in older cultures, Like Ancient Egypt or Mayan, as they possibly can, including useing the old languages! Even though the times have changed and the olkd ways arn’t truely nessisary anymore, some people don’t like the ‘new’ way of worshipping, so they go with the ‘old’ way as much as they can. (No sacrificing goats or anything, but they might use wine as the ‘blood’ or theatrical fake blood or something like that, for an example, depending on what it’ll be used for.)

    As for the links: – This one has TONS of people on it, and tons of their point of views, greviances and rants on their paths. It’s like a ‘Meet new people’ site reaching all over the world, and with many many paths! It even lists some pagan shops, but call ahead to make sure they’re still open if you wanna check them out. Last time I was on the site for witchy shops, a lot of them had closed down without warning or taking their listing down. Just something to note. – I realize you might not be of Kemetic Faith (Or even like it!) but this is a pretty good example of Reconstructionist-type info. They’re more modern then some but still trying to capture the old ways. The fun part is a lot of the info can be used in the totally modern version of Kemetic worship as well!

    Sites like these offer a WEALTH of info you can use in your own pratice without having to actually BE a reconstructionalist. Kemetic, btw, is Ancient Egyptian – Osiris, Isis, Ra and the like, but it uses their original names mostly; Osiris was the GREEK name for the Egyptian Deity Wesir, and Isis was Greek for Aset, for example. There’s probably tons of other Reconstructionalist sites out there, but this was just the one I had on hand as an /example/. – This, of course, is mostly music, but they offer music from many different artists who follow different paths. Can’t be serious all the time, after all ;p gotta have some fun! ^^ One song you might particularly like is called ‘Rabbit’s Song’ by S. J. Tucker. It’s Drum and Vocals, but since I mentioned a possible Trickster Deity trying to reach you, this might give you an idea of how not all of them are truely ‘bad’ deities. Unfortunatly the song gets cut off at the end (oh well) but it’s still a fun song if nothing else. Click on ‘Uploads’ to see ALL the songs they posted and check some out. – Again, Pagan Pride Day, aka PPD, can be a great way to meet other Pagans if you can get to it. – This has some good ideas and pointers for attenting Publicly Open events, it might not hold true to ALL events, but still, good advice is good advice! – Another Youtube link, but this one has more Info then song. Flora’s an easy-going woman, and her videos offen refer to other YouTube Pagans she trusts, and explains a bit about what she herself has learned, and there’s the occasional Cooking lesson too, Like Offering Stones made in your own kitchen, Or what she calls ‘Spell Stars’. Be sure to check out the people she mentions as well, not all of them have the same outlook as she does, but they’re all out to share info.

    Hope you find these helpful, and always be on the lookout for more! There’s plenty of info out there, you just gotta go look for it. ^^

    • tomschronicles permalink
      October 9, 2010 12:15 AM

      Much gratitude for all your help and for providing these links, but the Druids being rather less than friendly, and the witch mixing up her days and so forth.. have rather turned me off toward paganism. I’ve had other setbacks in the past while trying to pursue this path. I think if I were to be following this path, this form of spirituality, it would have happened more naturally. I am taking a clue from these obstacles – both from awhile ago and more recent ones, and concentrating my energies on other things. Thanks again though. I really do appreciate it. Sorry if this is disappointing for you to read.

      • October 9, 2010 4:17 AM

        No worries. If you ever want more info in the future, just let me know and I’ll see what I can dig up for ya. ^^Best of luck!

      • October 9, 2010 4:17 AM

        No worries. If you ever want more info in the future, just let me know and I’ll see what I can dig up for ya. ^^Best of luck!

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