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the time between…

November 26, 2010

restless. not exactly a new feeling, except that it is, a different kind of restless. i am waiting. the time between when house and then car were sold and leaving. the time between now and when I say my goodbyes to this city and a few people in it who i give a damn about.

a usual combination of loneliness and a stronger feeling of wanting to avoid people and just stay in my room – which I have done today.

my room, see picture above – looks different than it used to, and i like how it looks – in a state of dissassembly, not quite packed in yet, but bed sold, now sleeping on an inflatable air mattress – queen size bed was sold because my next bedroom is likely to be a lot smaller than the one i have been inhabiting for the past 11 and a half years or so.

Pretty much done reflecting on the past, for the most part. Did enough of that already, more than enough. Quite emotionally difficult but passed that now and into a period of waiting. thoughts of the past have drifted through my head today and tonight, but i am in a better mental state now.

less than two weeks of waiting. i will be leaving on December 7th, the Tuesday after next, one day earlier than i was previously told. that’s alright.

i am telling myself i need to at least somewhat contain my restlessness and be where I am at and yet face forward to the future just a little too.

yes, it is difficult to wait. living in this city has been a slow intake of poison for me a slow osmosis seeping into me and i am more than ready to leave.

no, it’s not all bad around here, there is the country i drive through to get to the wildlife center and the grounds of the center itself. there is a foothills community to the east i plan on visiting one more time before i move, but i kind of doubt i’ll get up there. it is a different community near mountains that i will be moving to.

last time i was in that foothill town an hour away from here, i was driving around in the middle of the night by myself, getting slightly lost, not having planned to drive up there at night, but why not and now i know what it looks like after 2 am. I think i arrived home at around 4 am or so. trying to remember when that was.

it was fairly chilly that night, but it was spring, i think. yes. april. a cold night in april, but felt refreshing. that was a nice enough trip, maybe i don’t need to go up there again before i go.

was planning on heading up that way after going to sleep at 4 am or so and waking up at noon, and going to the xmas faire up in the hills but went last year and don’t need to go again. the local Celtic group playing up there, i’ve already heard them live four times. i don’t think the members of the band, who i know but am not close with, would mind terribly much if i didn’t say goodbye before leaving. haven’t seen them since march anyway.

i still might make that drive one last time up to the hills, but it might be emotionally not so pleasant to do so, kind of sad. i won’t miss this town, but areas around it, the nice drive east – country miles, maybe i should just let it be.

that’s how i feel about the people here too. i kind of want to just depart quietly, not seeing anybody, just staying in my room or getting out of the house when need arises. take the cat to the vet tomorrow, do my last shifts of tutoring and at the wildlife center, not go to the support group two more times, not attend a small party, just leave quietly .. sometimes i am very anti-social, i can’t help it. it isn’t anything other people should take personally, it is just how i am.

this past day was thanksgiving. a rather uneventful one – just with the relatives i live with and am moving with. don’t mind this though, really – if our plans to move work out we will be spending Xmas with my brother and his family, which will be good. a major reason we are moving is so that my mom can spend her remaining years in a more pleasant town, with her grand-children. they live in a city two hours away from where we will be moving to, but perhaps by this summer or by this time next year, they will have moved to the same area we will soon reside in.

in the meantime though..

i lay in bed for awhile during the afternoon and evening, tired, but mind far too restless to sleep. the air mattress fairly comfortable but cold in my room, i am sensitive to the cold, part of being a solitary person, i suppose, being more sensitive to the cold than other people.

it won’t be much colder where i am moving to, approximately 10 degrees colder on average, but that’s enough to bring at least a little snow, and that will be very nice. i have not lived in a place where it snows since 1988. that last place was in Michigan – lived there for two years and that was a cold place below zero weather each winter and snow measured in feet not inches, i was a kid then and didn’t mind the cold, spent lots of time on my sled, even walked home from schol sometimes. something about being young makes us almost impervious to the weather. and even a snow drift piled up in the back of a parking lot makes a great slope to sled down in my cheap plastic blue sled with little yellow plastic handles – zoomed down that snow drift and across the parking lot which had iced over nicely, and that little town was on rolling hills, the sidewalks snow plowed and drifts on either side of the walk, the walk iced over as well and trundling down them like it was a bobsled run, not nearly as fast of course.

a lonely and solitary time then as well, two years in that town, spending much time in my room then too, listening to heavy metal on the radio, reading a lot.. sometimes being alone is a good thing.

in past weeks i had planned on being quite social as soon as i arrive in Idaho – joining some groups right away, meeting lots of people.

i don’t feel that way now. i want to get a feel for the place first, lots of driving and roaming around, sometimes with family, but a lot by myself. i like to explore places alone, just ride around see what is there. that’s what i plan to do.

be social later..

had decided not to join the pagan group.. had a brief email correspondence with one of the main pagans in the group, but like the pagans out here, she stopped the communication. i was polite in my letters, not flirtatious – i know i make some stupid decisions regarding women, but i make good ones too, and trying to flirt via email with some woman i’ve not met yet would be idiotic. but even good emails don’t always get returned.

just as well.. strange or not strange.. times past recent times like past few months and in past years, when i have decided to pursue paganism, been shut out by people or something else happening, or just not ready.

so leave it be.

where will i meet people then? what groups?

the trouble with joining a mental health organization and taking part in support groups and classes regularly is that some days i am doing better than other days and don’t need a reminder of depression or anxiety – would rather not think about it and just go on with the day, instead of showing up to a group or class.

my showing up benefits other people though, i can help them, but sometimes just feel really self-centered and don’t want to. want to mind my own business and them mind theirs, thank you.

i for a little while was tossing the idea around about trying to become a therapist. this was less than a week ago. i thought about it until i felt sick about it, that didn’t take long. no thanks.

not knowing what career to get into doesn’t bother me at the moment.. as i wrote in the previous entry, there are things i can do here at home.

i did sit on my ass a lot today, but i didn’t just watch movies, played guitar for hours instead, and whistles too.

had a bit of alcohol during the day though, lemonade mixed with white wine – a glass with thanksgiving meal – late lunchtime, and a glass of oatmeal stout – rather tasty, called stockyard oatmeal stout – like guiness but much more flavorful.

tried playing the whistles an hour or so after – pretty much hopeless – no one beer doesn’t make me near drunk but it is enough to impair fine motor skills and coordination, such as rapidly playing the whistles – the very quick fingerings over the holes. I kept at it for 45 minutes or so, but then put them down. played the plastic low whistle mostly as the standard high D hurts my ears too much, makes tinnitus – which hasn’t been bad lately – worse, playing that high whistle, so i play either the B flat which is just low enough, or the low D, an octave lower than the high D. the low D still is pretty high though, and in order to hit the notes in the second octave, i have to overblow – and the notes come out loud, that’s just how it is.

put the low whistle down, picked up the bass. earlier today my amp just stopped functioning, really staticky, not sure why. speaker though – i blew that years ago jamming with some guys in a basement, turned it up all the way to be heard over the drums – the amp quit for a little while and was never the same. haven’t used it much since then until recently, and it was working ok.

hadn’t played through it in about two weeks though, and finally ready to try and get serious about the bass today and amp was acting up badly.. thought it might be the bass so plugged the keyboard in but the keyboard sound was staticky too, so it’s the amp. thought of offering up the amp on craigslist for free, but why not ask ten bucks for it? there are people out there who love to mess around with electronics.

i thnk what happened with the amp was that dust got into the holes for the input jacks, which are stupidly located on a horizontal plane on top of the amp instead of on the vertical face of the amp like practically all other amps on the planet. and i was unwise to realize this would present a problem. just haven;t been emotinoally invested in the the amp and the instruments until today again..

have already pretty much picked out a cheap bass amp, which i hope guitar center keeps in stock. won’t be heading there tomorrow though. black friday is not a fun day to shop, i hate crowds, and signed up for “by nothing day” on facebook, planning on not buying anything tomorrow. maybe get the amp on monday or some other time this week. it’s a small one, a practice amp, made by peavey, which also made the bass i am using – the bass could use a set up, strings lowered and so forth, dust in the input cavity, i hope that is its only issue – crackles some when i move around the room while practicing, and i know that noise is from the bass, not the amp. not a big issue though, i don’t think. had a similar problem with an electric guitar awhile back and it was a cheap fix.

damn i am just going on and on.. 2:34 now… whatever.

time to eat a bit more, watch some more of the 2 towers .. spent so much time in the past watching movies though i feel guilty about it and try to make up for lost time by playing various instruments, mostly guitar, for hours and hours today, and thought of studying a music book or flash cards before i go to bed, but that is trying to take huge steps not baby steps and as i wrote in an earlier blog i need to respect the babysteps.

right now i have a song in my head. it is called “the road,” by Nick Drake. like most people, i first heard music by the late Nick Drake in a beautiful volkswagon commercial, just lovely. the song in the commercial from the 1990’s is called “Pink Moon,” but the song in my head is not that one. I watch a few movies over and over again to make me feel good – innocent mostly happy films, had two of them on last night while spending hours manically packing.. first “Whip It,” then “Bandslam.” back to back. “Bandslam has tons of music in it, some truly amazing songs playing during that movie, and Drake’s “The Road” is one of them. Figured out a few notes of that tune tonight, but Nick Drake liked to make up his own tunings on his guitars instead of playing in standard tunings, and make up his own chords as well. If you;ve heard Nick Drake, you have hopefully noticed that the sound he gets out of his acoustic guitars is quite unique!

image in my head, sitting on a park bench along the Boise river. cold, yes, no one around, but it’s still green the grass the trees, the water, and i am smiling a little and content, just watching the river go by. within a month i hope to do just that.

fingers hurting now – much music played today and much typing..

other thoughts…

yes, there are still a few people worth seeing. small party this weekend. when i think about these people, yes, i like them.. if i were staying here i’d try to spend more time with them, our little group .. not the support group, the other one I’ve mainly been involved with here and there.

the people in the support group i will probably see two more times. that’s enough.

will say goodbye to people at the wildlife center next wednesday, and my last two tutoring sessions are monday and wednesday. i’ve had an excellent student, but almost never enjoyed tutoring much – hour and a half sessions were mandatory, and too long, plus hard to concentrate with other tutors and students around, and other people wandering through the library.. not going to miss the sessions, but will miss the student who has become my friend – a big but jovial mexican guy – i’m proud of him, he’s learned tons and has really been diligent – a hard working guy looking out for his family. he will continue to do well in life, and get better even as time goes by, i think. yeah he’s one of the people i’ve gotten to know this past year who is really worth knowing.

i think it is good to leave this way – some friends to leave behind, but no one i feel especially close to. that is balance. makes me feel a little better about the last year or so of my life in this town, especially the last few months.. have had some good times with these folks.

not sorry to leave though, it is something i absolutely have to do! must do it.

hope my bass guitar and other instruments and so forth will be packed and moved safely.. i want to continue with my musical studies, even though, like today, it sometimes causes me lots of anxiety to do so.

the waiting, the waiting, and the tying up of loose ends, a few things left to do, some more packing, and in less than 2 weeks, i am gone.

time to give overworked hands a break, watch some more of the tolkien movie, eat a little more, sleep within the hour or so, not worry about the future. go to sleep. and live the rest of the remaining days here. not many of them left at all in this city.

thank goodness!!

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