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a short post..

April 4, 2011

Right now, it’s strange.. I almost never feel this way.. I am naturally taking deep breaths.. weird.. but I like it.

It’s afternoon.. which is pretty cool, considering I was able to sleep late..had woken up at 6:30 am.. don’t know why.. except that sometimes when I’m sleeping and a dream ends, or there is something that needs thinking about while I am conscious, I wake up.

To get back to sleep, I took a sedative. Sat up in bed a little bit in the dark, so it could digest properly. My stomach was almost empty, so the pill kicked in quicker and I went to sleep.. woke up around 11:30 or so.. laid in bed awake, but not as long as usual, got on the computer..

Received an email for everyone on the mailing list for the pagan group in California. The high priestess out there sent the message out to check who wanted to be on the mailing list and who did not. I sent back a message saying I’d moved out of state.

This is the woman I was supposed to have a meeting with last year. We agreed to meet at a bookstore in her town. I drove out there, waited and waited and waited.. this .. after several other contacts with pagans back in CA – online contacts.. did not go well, the pagans who had been emailing me, and I them.. back and forth, just stopped. One of them had invited me to her grove.. she’s a Druid… but then on the same day retracted the invitation, saying she had talked with her elders and they had said no. Another two pagans I had found on a local (CA) website and then on facebook were cool at first, then just stopped.

I was always polite and respectful, I don’t know why they stopped writing.

And then, this woman, the high priestess, forgot which day we were supposed to meet. I wrote her a letter about being stood up, expressing my displeasure.. she was apologetic in her reply.

I got another email from a pagan today.. one here in this state.

She had wondered why I had removed myself from the online community, and also the book club..the only members in that book club being pagans from the other group.

I was very frank with her.. letting her know how I got freaked out by the teacher.

She.. the woman who wrote me.. was quite cool about it and helpful.. said she and the high priestess out here would still like to meet me.

I don’t know..

Damn, I’m hungry.. going to stop writing soon.. things to do today to.. see the psychiatric physician’s assistant, do a bit of shopping, write some people back..

The dream this morning.. what I was dreaming when I woke up..

There was this patch of land on the outskirts of some town. The ground was very soft, almost spongy and muddy, but somehow I had the feeling the earth would not stick to my shoes. I was looking at it from a bit of a distance, and also seeing it without walking on it. There were some nice trees – evergreens and others as well. There was a pleasant wind blowing.

I think there was a power plant or something down the road.. and I was having a conversation with someone i couldn’t see, because I was looking at this patch of nature along the road.

The conversation was about how this place was important.. I felt a love for this place.. or love coming from it, and felt it should not be bull-dozed and developed. That part left me uneasy..

And I woke up.

There it is.

Ok.. time for breakfast.. at 12:51 pm..

I am not a vegetarian yet, by the way.. but hope to be within a few months.. gotta learn to cook much better.. and come up with veggie meals. If I go back to that Buddhist sangha (not exactly fond of the idea).. there are vegetarians there who can help me.. maybe other vegetarians in the community that might be helpful… those not affiliated officially with any religion? I could put an add for vegetarian people on craigslist… we’ll see.

Must… stop…. writing!!!

Ok, ok… bye for now..

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